Who Needs Knees

My latest adventure has to do with my knees and the journey back to a walking world.  I'm only 1/2 way through the partial weight bearing process.  I have spent nearly 4 weeks in bed with small breaks to keep my sanity.  During which I have had to do my time in a CMP machine (Continuous Passive Motion)...8 hours a day lying in bed while my leg bends back and forth.  The rest of my time has been spent sleeping, eating, reading and watching TV.  I have gone out to dinner less than a handful of times for which I am incredibly grateful.  I also get to out for physical therapy and doctor's appointments.

After two weeks I have been allowed to put 30% weight on my left leg which is a blessing.  My right leg has had to take the brunt of the punishment that my weight has created.  After a week I moved to a walker so that I would have more balance and my arms could help.  I've used a wheelchair on all of my outings.  All of it has been fun...not so much.

Week 3 I developed vertigo and am dizzy all the time.  Even right now I am thinking about cutting this short because I can't focus.  I think that might be best.  My head is heavy and I can hardly hold it up.  Stir crazy can't even begin to describe this time at home.  I keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it when I'm back on my feet again.        

We Care- Beginnings

"We Care" is my new slogan for the next step in this journey.  An unexpected opportunity arose this week so I took advantage of it and attended a meeting which focused on creating a new culture on campus that reflects a caring community.  While I'm not sure how I'm going to contribute yet, I do know it aligns with my heart for this university.

 It will be a huge undertaking by this task force.  We will be gathering data on the current programs we have and how they already provide for our students' needs beyond the classroom.  After we gather and review this information, we will see where there are gaps or areas in which we can improve.  It will be a way to get my feet wet.  Hopefully this will reveal my next step on my journey. 

As I have shared in my previous posts, I have been struggling with all of the stresses of my life recently and I have lost my focus on my path ahead.  That is the danger of each of our struggles. They can become a hurdle and can take us away from our desired focus and path. 

This morning I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep, because I was focusing too much on the hurdles and not the road ahead.  I decided to start a blessings journal where I will share a blessing a day.  Hopefully it will help me to refocus on the good and not the bad.  The more positive experiences on which I can focus, the better my chances are of staying on this journey's path and moving forward. 

Today, the blessing is simply realizing that my focus needed to change and creating that chance to stay on the path through new eyes.   I have a good friend who helped me to see where my focus was and reminded me of a technique that I learned in my previous life where you use a journal to improve your focus. I am so grateful that God can use us all in others' lives and many times he does it without us realizing he has done it. 

What's next?!

I'm not sure, but I'm feeling better and that is where you need to be. 

Feeling hopeful-

Life Happens

Families-

The hurdles continue to distract me from moving forward.  Maybe I'm suppose to stay put for a while.  God sometimes has plans that don't coincide with what we think our plans should be.  Life sometimes consists of one step at a time and not always along the path you would like to take.  I guess if in the end it gets me to my promise land or my end goal it will be worth it.

Last time I wrote I left you at the place where I was about to fly to see my Dad on the other side of the country.  Well I got on that plane not knowing and anxious about what lied ahead of me.  I arrived and went to visit with my Dad and find out what the plan was for the next day.  We had a great evening eating pizza and talking.  The plan was to drive down from my hotel and pick him up the next morning and drive him to the hospital which was 30-45 minutes away.  That morning I was running behind so I skipped breakfast and picked up a coffee along the way.  Halfway to picking him up he called and told me the procedure had been rescheduled until the following week more than 7 days from then.

I ended up picking him up and taking him to breakfast at one of his favorite places to have breakfast.  We had another nice meal and talked about life sharing each others ups and downs.  My brother continues to create challenges in my Dad's life and either doesn't care or is so self absorbed that he doesn't see what he is doing.  Despite the challenges we discussed, we managed to have a nice breakfast and head back to the house.  We spent the next few hours going through items that he wanted to share with me and they brought back good memories.  While I was there I managed to change my flight home to leave the next day at a cost of more than what I paid for the original ticket.  

Later we met for dinner.  Once again we had a nice meal and caught up.  Dad talked to me as his sounding board.  He was thinking about the upcoming surgery and when his sister might be coming home. 

I headed home the next day.  I was glad I had made the trip even though it was only two days.  We rarely have been able to spend quality time together without others pulling on us both.  He looked good and I made sure he had three large meals. (His idea of a meal is a diet soda and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich).  I wasn't happy about him insisting on me not returning, but he seemed comfortable with it all.

Since then he has had his surgery and had two emergency room visits.  It has been an up and down week and a half since I left him.  He found a lump near the incision and two days later he found a pool of blood in his bed from the incision.  Needless to say I have been worried and still am.  The doctors checked him out and everything is still connected.  

Back at Home-

I have been studying the bible and spending time alone with God.  I've also started exercising so that I can strengthen my muscles surrounding my knees.  I've been in a lot of pain which has been another way that God has slowed me down.  I have decided to do what is necessary for each day.  Taking care of myself must need to be a priority in my life.  I have seen two doctors about my knees to get my options for eliminating the pain.  I'm waiting to see a third and then it will be decision making time.  

This is not at all how I thought my blog would be.  However, this is a part of the journey.  We are always faced with trials as we try to move forward on the journey.  These are those moments when we are suppose to learn something that will help us down the road.  

Slowing down whether or not I want to-

 

     

Family Hurdles

I'm not sure what is next so bear with me.  I have spent the past week dealing with life.   The following events are a part of life that you can not avoid.   

It started with family dynamics of which I should not have had to be a part.  My brother wasn't told about an upcoming surgery that our father has to have and was hurt by my father and myself even though his wife was told. It seems to always be about him and his feelings or challenges.  It is a long story.  Let's just say he has been the center of everyone's world because of his bad choices and he's never had to really bail himself out of trouble.  He has been taken care of by everyone else.  Instead of asking what he could do to help, he made it about his pain and hurt.   

Next we got news that one of our uncles passed away.  It didn't happen to be an uncle with which I was very close, but he was the husband of my dad's eldest sister.  She is someone I was very close to as a child and I feel very badly for her loss.  I hate that she has to go through this.  Apparently he had just found out that he had cancer so it was a blessing in disguise.   Although it never really seems to be a blessing for the ones left behind.      

Within a couple of days, I received a call from my dad saying that his younger sister had had a stroke and was in the hospital.  He was very shaken up, because she lives with him and couldn't figure out was wrong.  She was in bad health prior to this incident so it's very scary.  Dad depends on her help even though she drives him crazy.  Her carotid artery is partially blocked and they were suppose to clear it out.  We are still waiting after a week to here back from the doctor on what he has done.  

Selfishly I'm thinking about my already scheduled trip to be with my dad.  I'm anxious about what I will need to do.  I don't know if she will still be in the hospital or in a rehab facility or what.  I know that my dad is concerned about what he needs to do so I will need to help him stay calm so that he'll be alright for his surgery which is in 4 days.  I don't know how any of this works financially.  I know dad needs her assistance to pay the bills and he is worried that they will take all of her money.  He won't admit it, but I know he is also worried about losing her.  He would be alone. 

 So that has been my week.  When I spoke of life's challenges that keep you from moving forward,  this is an example.  The key for me is to not get bogged down and work my way through it all.  Remembering my ultimate goal, which is discovering what makes me truly sing and following that.  I don't have the answers on how that is done, but I guess that is where listening to God and waiting patiently for his direction comes into the picture.  I'm not saying to do nothing.  What needs to be done is continue to move and be cognizant of the Lord.

Coping with Life's Challenges and Patiently Listening-

Journey Begins

Here we are in 2017, starting a fresh once more.  As we get older it becomes abundantly clear that time is running out.  You probably are thinking Duh!  Well when you are young you think you have all the time in the world to accomplish your dreams.  One day down the road you realize that time is passing you by and you've made compromises that involved putting those dreams on the back burner.   Some of those compromises are necessary due to life's little surprises.  Others are because you are afraid to take a risk.

I have been thinking about what I love to do and whether I really get a chance to do them.  Granted we can't play 100% of the time, but am I playing at all?  Am I having fun, finding joy?  Am I doing what God has called me to do, I honestly am not sure.  My life has taken so many twists and turns mostly due to my lack of action.  Don't get me wrong, I have accomplished things, but I'm not sure they were things I set out to do or was originally meant to do.  Maybe that is alright.

I believe that people and opportunities are put in our path for a reason and at a specific time.  As it says in Esther 4:14, They come to us, "for such a time as this."   God's timing is perfect, so why am I questioning my choices?  What if I was suppose to do something else and if I had, I would have come to the place I was meant to be faster and/or in a less challenging manner.  Will I get to where I was suppose to be before this life of mine is over?  These questions plague me at times, but they only cause me to slow down even more. 

I tend to be influenced heavily by those I respect and hold in high esteem.  I sometimes think I chase after things that I feel others think are important so I become enthralled with something important to someone else.  I wonder if that is why I feel like I haven't done what I was meant to do.  I'm distracted by what others dream about doing.  After I met B W, I believed my dream was to help others find their dream.  I found joy in doing that, but I still feel like I haven't done enough.  Could it be that that really isn't my dream?  Or maybe it is just a small part!

When I was younger I wanted to be an explorer or archeologist?  I wanted to discover things.  I also loved my teachers and at times wanted to be a teacher.  I liked to create things and take things apart so I could figure out how they worked.  Fixing things fascinated me as well.  I loved the ocean and the animals in the ocean, but was afraid of it.  Knowing all of this and knowing that I needed to be able to take care of myself as an adult I ended up studying Civil Engineering.

I had made my choice to become a civil engineer and that was that.  I was going to do that for the rest of my life.  I did some really cool things when I worked in that field, but always felt insecure about my abilities and felt like something was missing. Was I serving or helping others?  I was helping developers to build more buildings and the like.  It wasn't serving the community.  I guess even back then I had a servant's heart. 

All this being said, why am I sharing this with you?  I'm not really sure.  I guess I'm hoping that as I walk through this process it may be able to help someone else.  I think way too much and am hoping that if I write it out the solution will surface.  (Solutions...I am a scientist even if I am not sure that is what I suppose to be).  Solutions may be too hopeful of a word.  I think of solutions as the answer.  What I want to learn is how to be content with just discovering the next step on this journey that we call life.   For far too long I have been searching for the "answer" and that hasn't surfaced.  

The journey begins-